i'm down to my last three days here in culiacan. all that's left is a tchaikovsky 6 dress rehearsal and two concerts. then i get on a plane and go to denver. then i get in a car and go to aspen.
i'm a bit stressed.
i'm have a VERY hard time this week. this is the most i've worked myself up over a performance since i played mahler 7 in civic. and this is AFTER playing all the other tchaikovsky symphonies the past two months; i feel like this should be a piece of cake. instead i'm slightly freaking out. i'm having a very hard time finding the center of my bassoon sound -- that sweet spot that resonates perfectly and makes me feel like i have absolute control over everything. i've maintained a very good handle on it here in mexico until now. NOW, when i need it most!!!
needless to say, i feel like a hot mess.
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i really don't know what flight i am on from mexico city to denver, all i know about it is that it leaves at 2pm. ok, helpful. sort of. ok not really.
i have things i need to pack. or leave behind. and decide which.
i have a box full of reeds that worked great last week and now all sound like poo.
my i.t. band has been flaring up for a week now. the last time i had these issues i ended up in physical therapy for 2 months. i'd rather that not happen.
there's an audition in early august -- do i take it and risk the reed situation coming from aspen?
when will i come back to culiacan? how many pesos will i need to drive from the border? is there a fee for my car? will they give me a hard time with dobby? in what part of my car is safest to hide my cocaine? (ok, fine, that's a joke)
how will i be paid over the summer when i don't have a bank account?
i have two concerts of tchaikovsky 6 to play. such a monumental bassoon piece!!
i've sweat more in the past two days than i think ever in my life.
i get to denver, see dobby for MAYBE a total of 10 hours (including sleeping time) and then have to leave him again.
i have a slew of errands i'd like to run while in denver, instead they'll have to be done...on the way to aspen???
will i miss mexico?
will i be excited to come back?
i'll miss all my new friends.
i miss all my old friends.
i'm not happy with my playing. not happy.
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no wonder i can't find my center, it seems to be spread pretty thin right now.
ugh. i need a delicious glass of wine.
and probably a valium.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Thursday, June 7, 2012
StoryPeople
it's hard to believe it's june 8. i leave here in 15 days, 15!!!!! i don't think i had 15 days notice to move here. hahaha. crazy.
one of the greatest things about being here is the schedule. rehearsals monday - thursday, with performances on thursday and friday. it's a real schedule(!!!) with performances every week. i know that that might not seem like a big deal to some of you, but for this gal, that for the past 5 years has been living at the mercy of (and doing her best to survive) the hectic-ness of school, work, gigs, bassoon, etc., it's pretty fantastic. and really, there's nothing like a live music performance, let alone being able to be part of one twice a week.
on the walk home from our concert tonight one of my roommates and i somehow found ourselves in a conversation about, well -- i guess at it's most basic level -- life. i have a very hated question that gets asked a little too many times and really bothers me. it's the "where do you see yourself in 5-10 years" question. i'm not sure if this question has always bothered me, or if it started bothering me when i realized 10 years ago i had much more of an "adult" life than i do now. ya know, the whole "decent salary and benefits" adult life.
10 years ago i never thought that in 5-10 years i wouldn't remember the last time i went to a doctor, let alone the dentist. i never considered the amount of student loan debt i might incur, or the horrible decision to buy a townhouse in tallahassee, nor did i know the horrifying feeling of living paycheck to paycheck and it still not being enough to pay your bills. 10 years ago i had NO idea how hard being an "adult" was. sometimes i miss that 10 years ago me, but mostly i'm horribly embarrassed for her.
10 years ago i also never would've said that i ever saw myself playing principal bassoon in an orchestra in mexico. or that i would one day move to chicago because i got into chicago civic. i surely never ever even dreamed that i would EVER have an opportunity to play with the chicago symphony. and who knew that i'd find the absolute best dog in the whole wide world, and that he'd teach me so much more about myself than any person i've ever met.
all those things have happened, regardless of where i "saw" myself being in 5-10 years.
life happened, and i went with it. i have zero regrets.
i want to live my life so that 5-10 years from today, or tomorrow, or next year, i can say and know that i really lived. that everyday i've woken up and met life head-on. faced fears, worked hard, sought passion, had meaningful relationships, laughed, loved, cried -- the whole shebang!! i might not be exactly where i thought life might take me, but where ever i am, i hope i can say that i feel alive. and that there's no place else i'd rather be than exactly where i am.
i've long been a fan of the artist brian andreas, altho i do think he considers himself mostly a writer - i think that still qualifies him as an artist. his StoryPeople have a way of explaining life in the simplest and most endearing ways. you can (and should) check them out here:
http://www.storypeople.com/storypeople/Home.do?inMenu=true
truth be told, i want to own them all. instead i give them as gifts to people nearest and dearest to my heart. for my older sister's 30th birthday i got her "Mirror Image," it reads: my sister read somewhere once that if you look into your own eyes long enough in a mirror you change into the devil and it took her almost 30 years but she finally did it.
hahaha. it pretty much summed up our entire relationship. :)
at the moment, this particular one, "Falling Into Place" is constantly on my mind:
one of the greatest things about being here is the schedule. rehearsals monday - thursday, with performances on thursday and friday. it's a real schedule(!!!) with performances every week. i know that that might not seem like a big deal to some of you, but for this gal, that for the past 5 years has been living at the mercy of (and doing her best to survive) the hectic-ness of school, work, gigs, bassoon, etc., it's pretty fantastic. and really, there's nothing like a live music performance, let alone being able to be part of one twice a week.
on the walk home from our concert tonight one of my roommates and i somehow found ourselves in a conversation about, well -- i guess at it's most basic level -- life. i have a very hated question that gets asked a little too many times and really bothers me. it's the "where do you see yourself in 5-10 years" question. i'm not sure if this question has always bothered me, or if it started bothering me when i realized 10 years ago i had much more of an "adult" life than i do now. ya know, the whole "decent salary and benefits" adult life.
10 years ago i never thought that in 5-10 years i wouldn't remember the last time i went to a doctor, let alone the dentist. i never considered the amount of student loan debt i might incur, or the horrible decision to buy a townhouse in tallahassee, nor did i know the horrifying feeling of living paycheck to paycheck and it still not being enough to pay your bills. 10 years ago i had NO idea how hard being an "adult" was. sometimes i miss that 10 years ago me, but mostly i'm horribly embarrassed for her.
10 years ago i also never would've said that i ever saw myself playing principal bassoon in an orchestra in mexico. or that i would one day move to chicago because i got into chicago civic. i surely never ever even dreamed that i would EVER have an opportunity to play with the chicago symphony. and who knew that i'd find the absolute best dog in the whole wide world, and that he'd teach me so much more about myself than any person i've ever met.
all those things have happened, regardless of where i "saw" myself being in 5-10 years.
life happened, and i went with it. i have zero regrets.
i want to live my life so that 5-10 years from today, or tomorrow, or next year, i can say and know that i really lived. that everyday i've woken up and met life head-on. faced fears, worked hard, sought passion, had meaningful relationships, laughed, loved, cried -- the whole shebang!! i might not be exactly where i thought life might take me, but where ever i am, i hope i can say that i feel alive. and that there's no place else i'd rather be than exactly where i am.
i've long been a fan of the artist brian andreas, altho i do think he considers himself mostly a writer - i think that still qualifies him as an artist. his StoryPeople have a way of explaining life in the simplest and most endearing ways. you can (and should) check them out here:
http://www.storypeople.com/storypeople/Home.do?inMenu=true
truth be told, i want to own them all. instead i give them as gifts to people nearest and dearest to my heart. for my older sister's 30th birthday i got her "Mirror Image," it reads: my sister read somewhere once that if you look into your own eyes long enough in a mirror you change into the devil and it took her almost 30 years but she finally did it.
hahaha. it pretty much summed up our entire relationship. :)
at the moment, this particular one, "Falling Into Place" is constantly on my mind:
it reads: deciding everything is falling into place perfectly as long as you don't get too picky about what you mean by place. or perfectly.
i am playing principal bassoon, in an orchestra, in mexico. i've been offered, and accepted, a year contract.
life, you are crazy.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
L.A.Z.Y.
this was most definitely the laziest weekend i have had in, well, quite possibly since i got out of the air force...so, umm...5 years?!?!?!
i feel terrible. and guilty. and like i wasted so much time.
i did get a decent amount of bassooning done today, but still. i feel like i could have and should have done so much more.
for the first time in 5 years all i have to worry about and focus on is bassoon. no part-time job, no school, no freelance gigs to drive way too far for. just playing bassoon in the same orchestra; daily rehearsals and weekly concerts. it's pretty awesome.
this past week was entirely exhausting. our program was all tchaikovsky -- romeo and juliet, violin concerto, and fifth symphony. what a blow. what fantastic repertoire. what a thrilling experience. at the end of both concerts i am fairly certain there was not one more note i could've played on bassoon. i was that tired.
so maybe i needed this weekend of lazy?
i'm fairly certain i didn't need as much lazy as i took.
here's to a productive week ahead!!!
i feel terrible. and guilty. and like i wasted so much time.
i did get a decent amount of bassooning done today, but still. i feel like i could have and should have done so much more.
for the first time in 5 years all i have to worry about and focus on is bassoon. no part-time job, no school, no freelance gigs to drive way too far for. just playing bassoon in the same orchestra; daily rehearsals and weekly concerts. it's pretty awesome.
this past week was entirely exhausting. our program was all tchaikovsky -- romeo and juliet, violin concerto, and fifth symphony. what a blow. what fantastic repertoire. what a thrilling experience. at the end of both concerts i am fairly certain there was not one more note i could've played on bassoon. i was that tired.
so maybe i needed this weekend of lazy?
i'm fairly certain i didn't need as much lazy as i took.
here's to a productive week ahead!!!
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