so...it's been a while, eh?
i kept thinking i would write, then i'd get busy and forget. or just have nothing to write about.
right now i have zero excuses to not write. so...
today, during one of the many times i scrolled through my facebook feed, i came across an article that was posted from the New York Times. i guess it wasn't so much of an article as a commentary, and honestly, i felt it to be a bit incomplete. you can read it here, if you'd like (it's short!!): http://rendezvous.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/03/21/the-dark-side-of-the-expat-life/
i think the thing that caught me was the "expat" part. because, well ya know, after living in another country for almost a year i'm a total expat. actually, i always thought that an expat was someone that denounced their residency from their country of origin. it wasn't until i was moving here and someone pointed out i would be an expat, someone living and working in a country that is different from where they are a citizen, that i realized the actual meaning of the word. so yes, that's me.
not that any of this matters, and i'm not sure that i even care about any of the jargon, it's just that some points made in the article i found interesting and got me thinking of my life lately. those are what i want to talk about. (wow, how much back story can i give, geesh!!)
for the past 12 years i have lived in, what most of the time felt like, limbo. it's even confusing for me to answer the "where are you from?" question. i mean, i was born in new york, but only lived there for 5 years, then moved to florida where i lived until i graduated college (for the record, this is typically where i say i'm from), then i moved to virginia, then germany, then back to florida, then chicago, now i'm in mexico. needless to say, nothing has felt permanent in my life besides my bassoon and now my dobby!!
i've spent endless hours stressing and worrying over where i'd end up next or if the time i was putting into my bassoon would ever get me where i wanted it to. for a good chunk of that time i was in a very serious, long term relationship so i never really stressed over if i'd ever find someone to settle down with, i just worried about being able to settle down in the same city with someone i loved. the past few years have felt a bit different in the whole committed-relationship-regard, but that's honestly an entire different discussion.
over the past 12 years that i've been bouncing around, working and fighting for my dream, i've watched friends get married, make families, and do all those other things we deem as "normal" behaviors for someone that ages. and the entire time i've been worried about where i'll be next and what i'll be doing and if i'll be happy. or if i'll be able to pay my bills, or go to a doctor. or just put any sort of piddly roots into the ground anywhere. i will admit to feeling sorry for my friends with children because, well, they have CHILDREN!! then i wonder if they look at my life and feel sorry for me because, well, she's STILL living like she's in college and she's in her 30's!!! and that's usually when i realize that we're living the lives we each choose.
i have been working quite hard since january. our chamber music season kicked my BUTT, and then the last three weeks of orchestra were extremely demanding and absolutely exhausting. and you know what, I LOVED IT. ok, so i didn't love it all the time. and there may have been a lot of tears at times, and i possibly thought about slitting my wrists with my reed knives, and i may have even wondered if this was what i really wanted out of my career, and at one point there was even a little voice in my head that told me i wasn't good enough and maybe i should just give up now. but i made it through those things. and i still loved it.
i suppose that's possibly how people with husbands or wives or children feel. that sometimes it can bring you to the absolute edge, that spot where you think you just can't do it anymore, and WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU EVER THINKING IN THE FIRST PLACE, only to realize that it wasn't really an edge. and once you get over the fear of falling, you can look back and smile and say "i loved it all."
