the edge

so...it's been a while, eh?

i kept thinking i would write, then i'd get busy and forget.  or just have nothing to write about.

right now i have zero excuses to not write.  so...

today, during one of the many times i scrolled through my facebook feed, i came across an article that was posted from the New York Times.  i guess it wasn't so much of an article as a commentary, and honestly, i felt it to be a bit incomplete.  you can read it here, if you'd like (it's short!!):  http://rendezvous.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/03/21/the-dark-side-of-the-expat-life/

i think the thing that caught me was the "expat" part.  because, well ya know, after living in another country for almost a year i'm a total expat.  actually, i always thought that an expat was someone that denounced their residency from their country of origin.  it wasn't until i was moving here and someone pointed out i would be an expat, someone living and working in a country that is different from where they are a citizen, that i realized the actual meaning of the word.  so yes, that's me.

not that any of this matters, and i'm not sure that i even care about any of the jargon, it's just that some points made in the article i found interesting and got me thinking of my life lately.  those are what i want to talk about.  (wow, how much back story can i give, geesh!!)

 for the past 12 years i have lived in, what most of the time felt like, limbo.  it's even confusing for me to answer the "where are you from?" question.  i mean, i was born in new york, but only lived there for 5 years, then moved to florida where i lived until i graduated college (for the record, this is typically where i say i'm from), then i moved to virginia, then germany, then back to florida, then chicago, now i'm in mexico.  needless to say, nothing has felt permanent in my life besides my bassoon and now my dobby!!

i've spent endless hours stressing and worrying over where i'd end up next or if the time i was putting into my bassoon would ever get me where i wanted it to.  for a good chunk of that time i was in a very serious, long term relationship so i never really stressed over if i'd ever find someone to settle down with, i just worried about being able to settle down in the same city with someone i loved.  the past few years have felt a bit different in the whole committed-relationship-regard, but that's honestly an entire different discussion.

over the past 12 years that i've been bouncing around, working and fighting for my dream, i've watched friends get married, make families,  and do all those other things we deem as "normal" behaviors for someone that ages.  and the entire time i've been worried about where i'll be next and what i'll be doing and if i'll be happy.  or if i'll be able to pay my bills, or go to a doctor.  or just put any sort of piddly roots into the ground anywhere.  i will admit to feeling sorry for my friends with children because, well, they have CHILDREN!!  then i wonder if they look at my life and feel sorry for me because, well, she's STILL living like she's in college and she's in her 30's!!!  and that's usually when i realize that we're living the lives we each choose.  

i have been working quite hard since january.  our chamber music season kicked my BUTT, and then the last three weeks of orchestra were extremely demanding and absolutely exhausting.  and you know what, I LOVED IT.  ok, so i didn't love it all the time.  and there may have been a lot of tears at times, and i possibly thought about slitting my wrists with my reed knives, and i may have even wondered if this was what i really wanted out of my career, and at one point there was even a little voice in my head that told me i wasn't good enough and maybe i should just give up now.  but i made it through those things.  and i still loved it.

i suppose that's possibly how people with husbands or wives or children feel.  that sometimes it can bring you to the absolute edge, that spot where you think you just can't do it anymore, and WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU EVER THINKING IN THE FIRST PLACE, only to realize that it wasn't really an edge.  and once you get over the fear of falling, you can look back and smile and say "i loved it all."

 

  

a glimpse

this week we began rehearsals for chamber season.

here's a small list of repertoire i will be playing:
Stravinsky, Soldier's Tale
Villa-Lobos, Bachianas Brasileiras
Villa-Lobos, Trio for oboe, clarinet, and bassoon
Francaix, Wind Quartet
Nielsen, Woodwind Quintet
various other woodwind quintets

to say that i am entirely exhausted and overwhelmed by the amount of music i am learning is an understatement.  so is saying that i am THRILLED about what the next few months have in store for me musically!  i'm feeling quite fortunate these days.

at 9:30 tonight i sat down for another round of bassooning - dropped a reed into my water, put my bassoon together, put it in my bassoon stand, turned on all my fancy lights, adjusted my seat, found my music, hooked my bassoon to my seat strap, took my reed out of the water, and right at the moment i was about to put it on my bocal realized i was entirely WAY too exhausted to get anything done that i would deem as productive.  so i packed it all up.  no joke.

then i high-tailed it to the oxxo before 10pm so i could buy a bottle of wine (you can break pretty much any traffic law you can imagine here, but you can't buy alcohol after 10pm).

now, i'll sit with my glass of wine and listen to a good chunk of this music i'm learning.

zero complaints.  tons of inspiration.  heaps of growing and learning.

wowzers!!

i almost forgot about this blog...almost.

i do have about 5 entries in the "drafts" folder that were never finished because i could never actually figure out what to write about or how to tell all of you lovely people that enjoy reading my ramblings (hi mom!!) exactly what i wanted to say.

so this one will be simple.

i promise to write more.

and i'm enjoying it here very much.

happy new year to you all!!

finally

tomorrow will be my last day in aspen.  the final concert, mahler 8.  and then final goodbyes.

i hate goodbyes.

when my family first moved to florida my dad had yet to find a job there, so he stayed in new york and would come visit us every so often.  i honestly don't remember how long he didn't live with us or how often he'd come visit, but i do remember how hard it was for me to not have him around.  i remember one night waking up crying because i missed him so much, so my mom called him up and i got to talk to him on the phone.  i also brought him in for "show and tell" in my first grade class.  hahaha, my poor father.  and when his visits ended, we'd have to say goodbye.  or we were supposed to say goodbye.  we'd all pile into my mom's minivan and drive him to the airport, by the time we got there us three girls would all be asleep.  we didn't have to say goodbye.

now, just saying goodbye to my dog makes me all teary and breaks my heart.  even if i'm only going to be gone for 3 hours.  i make sure to tell him i love him so much and that i'll miss him while i'm gone and to be a good boy and that he is the best thing in my world.  honestly, i tell him this in case something happens and i never have a chance to tell him those things again.  sounds a little crazy, right?i mean, he's a dog.  some people might argue that he doesn't even understand what i'm saying.  and they might be right.  but i want him to know what he means to me every single second of every single day.  i want him to know he is loved.  i can't do this with people.  i mean, i could and i know people that do, but opening my heart to people is not one of my character strengths.  i might actually qualify it as my biggest character weakness -- a huge large flaw.

i've been trying to get better about it.  but opening my heart and putting myself out there makes me so vulnerable, and it's scary!!  and in my life i have to say goodbye so many times to so many people that have worked their way into my heart in such a short amount of time, if i was even able to put these feelings into words i'd never be able to actually say them because i'd end up crying too much.  but i don't want to fall asleep in the minivan either.  maybe there's a healthy compromise?        

life is pretty weird right now.  four months ago i moved to mexico, with two weeks notice.  i spent two months there and then came to aspen for two months.  now it's time to go back to mexico.  it's this crazy adventure that i try to not get overwhelmed by or scared of, i'm just holding on, hoping to not miss a moment.  i've met some wonderful people along the way and, as with any major life transition, i've learned a lot about myself.  but i'm finally ready -- ready to stop feeling like my life is in constant transition mode, ready to buy some hangers and put pictures on the wall, ready to be home.

i'm not ready to say goodbye to aspen, but i am ready to take my little dobby down to mexico and begin to make a life that feels settled.

i hope you will all continue to join me, even if we have to say goodbye.

growing up

i’ve been thinking a lot lately.  a lot about what i want when i grow up and why i want it, and exactly how i will get it.  

my answer:  many diligent hours in the practice room and at the reed table.

another question:  is being a fantastic bassoonist the only thing i want in life when i’m grown up? 

my answer:  probably not.

when i was younger i never really thought about what my life might be like when i was older, or what types of people i would hold close, and in what direction i hoped my life would grow.  these are thoughts that now rule my days, sometimes over-taking my brain in such an annoying fashion.  sometimes, they even make me forget that all i have control over is who i am and what i am doing RIGHT NOW. 

right now:

i’m in aspen, being inspired and motivated every single day to become a better musician.

i’m sitting on the front porch watching a lightening storm that is moving up the valley, so towards us.  it’s hidden by clouds so all I can see is occasional bursts of lightening.  very mysterious. 

i’m missing my dobby (as if that’s a big surprise).

it’s my sister’s 30^th birthday!!  welcome to your 30’s, shannon!!

i woke up at 5:15am to hike electric pass, 13,635ft!!  it was amazing.  and totally worth waking up so early!!

i’m working on my resume, which is due in two days for an audition i’d love to take.

i’m seriously contemplating drinking beer. 

i had about a 2 hour long text conversation with a very close friend today while i contemplated taking a nap.  (this conversation is perhaps what sparked this blogpost) the nap never happened, but it sure was nice to “talk” to my friend.  technology is weird.

i think the whole street is currently looking for a bear that we’ve been randomly spotting the past few weeks.  rumor has it she has 3 cubs!!

i am ever so grateful for so many things that are hard to put into words. 

my right now is pretty fantastic.  i mean, i know that waking up at 6:30am to make it to the practice room by 7:30am doesn’t exactly sound glamorous, or what someone might be excited to spend their days doing.  but it’s days like these – the ones where i’m running full speed ahead, working and fighting for the dreams i have held close for so long - that i feel most alive. 

so i’m going to continue to do what i’m doing and being who i am, boring as that may be, until i’m the grown up that i’ve always dreamed of being.  life always has a funny way of working out, and in the most unexpected of ways.

so, brain, SHUT THE HELL UP, and stop trying to make me think i need grow up faster!!  let’s enjoy right now, it’s moving awfully fast and i want to hold on to these days for as long as i possibly can!  

time

i've been meaning to send out an update for quite some time now - although honestly, it's probably not as long as i think considering i feel like i've been gone from mexico for an enormous amount of time.  it's only been two weeks.  crazy.

yesterday was my first day off since i got here (except for July 4th, but i'm not counting that since it was a holiday!!) and all i had today was a lesson followed by going to hear the festival orchestra play mahler 1 - which i might add was momentarily interrupted by a fire alarm and evacuation of the music tent.  luckily there was no fire (perhaps a stagehand burned his toast??) and the concert resumed for all to enjoy!

this week for me includes dress rehearsals and performances of magic flute, which i'm rather excited about - i've never played a mozart opera before!!  and next week i'm playing principal on scheherazade!!  i've never played it before and to say that i'm excited is an extreme understatement!!  it's going to be tons of fun!  and also keep me very busy.

which is why i decided to write now - as i sit on my porch, listening to the rain, drinking beer, and watching the sunset.

admittedly, my last few weeks in culiacan i was a bit concerned about my decision to go to aspen, because it meant ZERO downtime.  i was worried that i would get here and crave time off and want nothing more than a chunk of time that i could forget about the bassoon.  lucky for me, just the opposite happened.  i've been extremely motivated to play and quite eager to soak up all the music i can!!  it's actually made me think about if i had not decided to come - i know that right now i'd be feeling guilty for not having touched the bassoon once since leaving mexico and having very little motivation to do so.  i sure am glad i decided to come, i cannot think of a better way to spend my summer!!

last year i came here during, what i think, was probably the highest point in my playing.  my life, however, felt like (translation: WAS) one big hot mess.  it's funny to think/realize how much things can change in a year.  right now i feel like my life is in a pretty good place but my bassoon playing is leaving A LOT to be desired.  i'm hoping that i can sort all my bassoon dilemmas out and leave here feeling like i can conquer the world.  (who doesn't want to conquer the world with a bassoon??)

that being said, i'm never going to get any better if i sit on the porch drinking beer all night, so i'm going to head inside to practice!

wishing you all a happy week!!!

the final push

i'm down to my last three days here in culiacan.  all that's left is a tchaikovsky 6 dress rehearsal and two concerts.  then i get on a plane and go to denver.  then i get in a car and go to aspen.

i'm a bit stressed.

i'm have a VERY hard time this week.  this is the most i've worked myself up over a performance since  i played mahler 7 in civic.  and this is AFTER playing all the other tchaikovsky symphonies the past two months; i feel like this should be a piece of cake.  instead i'm slightly freaking out.  i'm having a very hard time finding the center of my bassoon sound -- that sweet spot that resonates perfectly and makes me feel like i have absolute control over everything.  i've maintained a very good handle on it here in mexico until now.  NOW, when i need it most!!!  

needless to say, i feel like a hot mess.

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i really don't know what flight i am on from mexico city to denver, all i know about it is that it leaves at 2pm.  ok, helpful.  sort of.  ok not really.

i have things i need to pack.  or leave behind.  and decide which.

i have a box full of reeds that worked great last week and now all sound like poo.

my i.t. band has been flaring up for a week now.  the last time i had these issues i ended up in physical therapy for 2 months.  i'd rather that not happen.

there's an audition in early august -- do i take it and risk the reed situation coming from aspen?

when will i come back to culiacan?  how many pesos will i need to drive from the border?  is there a fee for my car?  will they give me a hard time with dobby?  in what part of my car is safest to hide my cocaine?  (ok, fine, that's a joke)

how will i be paid over the summer when i don't have a bank account?

i have two concerts of tchaikovsky 6 to play.  such a monumental bassoon piece!!

i've sweat more in the past two days than i think ever in my life.

i get to denver, see dobby for MAYBE a total of 10 hours (including sleeping time) and then have to leave him again.

i have a slew of errands i'd like to run while in denver, instead they'll have to be done...on the way to aspen???

will i miss mexico?

will i be excited to come back?

i'll miss all my new friends.

i miss all my old friends.

i'm not happy with my playing.  not happy.

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no wonder i can't find my center, it seems to be spread pretty thin right now.

ugh.  i need a delicious glass of wine.

and probably a valium.