the final push

i'm down to my last three days here in culiacan.  all that's left is a tchaikovsky 6 dress rehearsal and two concerts.  then i get on a plane and go to denver.  then i get in a car and go to aspen.

i'm a bit stressed.

i'm have a VERY hard time this week.  this is the most i've worked myself up over a performance since  i played mahler 7 in civic.  and this is AFTER playing all the other tchaikovsky symphonies the past two months; i feel like this should be a piece of cake.  instead i'm slightly freaking out.  i'm having a very hard time finding the center of my bassoon sound -- that sweet spot that resonates perfectly and makes me feel like i have absolute control over everything.  i've maintained a very good handle on it here in mexico until now.  NOW, when i need it most!!!  

needless to say, i feel like a hot mess.

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i really don't know what flight i am on from mexico city to denver, all i know about it is that it leaves at 2pm.  ok, helpful.  sort of.  ok not really.

i have things i need to pack.  or leave behind.  and decide which.

i have a box full of reeds that worked great last week and now all sound like poo.

my i.t. band has been flaring up for a week now.  the last time i had these issues i ended up in physical therapy for 2 months.  i'd rather that not happen.

there's an audition in early august -- do i take it and risk the reed situation coming from aspen?

when will i come back to culiacan?  how many pesos will i need to drive from the border?  is there a fee for my car?  will they give me a hard time with dobby?  in what part of my car is safest to hide my cocaine?  (ok, fine, that's a joke)

how will i be paid over the summer when i don't have a bank account?

i have two concerts of tchaikovsky 6 to play.  such a monumental bassoon piece!!

i've sweat more in the past two days than i think ever in my life.

i get to denver, see dobby for MAYBE a total of 10 hours (including sleeping time) and then have to leave him again.

i have a slew of errands i'd like to run while in denver, instead they'll have to be done...on the way to aspen???

will i miss mexico?

will i be excited to come back?

i'll miss all my new friends.

i miss all my old friends.

i'm not happy with my playing.  not happy.

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no wonder i can't find my center, it seems to be spread pretty thin right now.

ugh.  i need a delicious glass of wine.

and probably a valium.