finally

tomorrow will be my last day in aspen.  the final concert, mahler 8.  and then final goodbyes.

i hate goodbyes.

when my family first moved to florida my dad had yet to find a job there, so he stayed in new york and would come visit us every so often.  i honestly don't remember how long he didn't live with us or how often he'd come visit, but i do remember how hard it was for me to not have him around.  i remember one night waking up crying because i missed him so much, so my mom called him up and i got to talk to him on the phone.  i also brought him in for "show and tell" in my first grade class.  hahaha, my poor father.  and when his visits ended, we'd have to say goodbye.  or we were supposed to say goodbye.  we'd all pile into my mom's minivan and drive him to the airport, by the time we got there us three girls would all be asleep.  we didn't have to say goodbye.

now, just saying goodbye to my dog makes me all teary and breaks my heart.  even if i'm only going to be gone for 3 hours.  i make sure to tell him i love him so much and that i'll miss him while i'm gone and to be a good boy and that he is the best thing in my world.  honestly, i tell him this in case something happens and i never have a chance to tell him those things again.  sounds a little crazy, right?i mean, he's a dog.  some people might argue that he doesn't even understand what i'm saying.  and they might be right.  but i want him to know what he means to me every single second of every single day.  i want him to know he is loved.  i can't do this with people.  i mean, i could and i know people that do, but opening my heart to people is not one of my character strengths.  i might actually qualify it as my biggest character weakness -- a huge large flaw.

i've been trying to get better about it.  but opening my heart and putting myself out there makes me so vulnerable, and it's scary!!  and in my life i have to say goodbye so many times to so many people that have worked their way into my heart in such a short amount of time, if i was even able to put these feelings into words i'd never be able to actually say them because i'd end up crying too much.  but i don't want to fall asleep in the minivan either.  maybe there's a healthy compromise?        

life is pretty weird right now.  four months ago i moved to mexico, with two weeks notice.  i spent two months there and then came to aspen for two months.  now it's time to go back to mexico.  it's this crazy adventure that i try to not get overwhelmed by or scared of, i'm just holding on, hoping to not miss a moment.  i've met some wonderful people along the way and, as with any major life transition, i've learned a lot about myself.  but i'm finally ready -- ready to stop feeling like my life is in constant transition mode, ready to buy some hangers and put pictures on the wall, ready to be home.

i'm not ready to say goodbye to aspen, but i am ready to take my little dobby down to mexico and begin to make a life that feels settled.

i hope you will all continue to join me, even if we have to say goodbye.