finally

tomorrow will be my last day in aspen.  the final concert, mahler 8.  and then final goodbyes.

i hate goodbyes.

when my family first moved to florida my dad had yet to find a job there, so he stayed in new york and would come visit us every so often.  i honestly don't remember how long he didn't live with us or how often he'd come visit, but i do remember how hard it was for me to not have him around.  i remember one night waking up crying because i missed him so much, so my mom called him up and i got to talk to him on the phone.  i also brought him in for "show and tell" in my first grade class.  hahaha, my poor father.  and when his visits ended, we'd have to say goodbye.  or we were supposed to say goodbye.  we'd all pile into my mom's minivan and drive him to the airport, by the time we got there us three girls would all be asleep.  we didn't have to say goodbye.

now, just saying goodbye to my dog makes me all teary and breaks my heart.  even if i'm only going to be gone for 3 hours.  i make sure to tell him i love him so much and that i'll miss him while i'm gone and to be a good boy and that he is the best thing in my world.  honestly, i tell him this in case something happens and i never have a chance to tell him those things again.  sounds a little crazy, right?i mean, he's a dog.  some people might argue that he doesn't even understand what i'm saying.  and they might be right.  but i want him to know what he means to me every single second of every single day.  i want him to know he is loved.  i can't do this with people.  i mean, i could and i know people that do, but opening my heart to people is not one of my character strengths.  i might actually qualify it as my biggest character weakness -- a huge large flaw.

i've been trying to get better about it.  but opening my heart and putting myself out there makes me so vulnerable, and it's scary!!  and in my life i have to say goodbye so many times to so many people that have worked their way into my heart in such a short amount of time, if i was even able to put these feelings into words i'd never be able to actually say them because i'd end up crying too much.  but i don't want to fall asleep in the minivan either.  maybe there's a healthy compromise?        

life is pretty weird right now.  four months ago i moved to mexico, with two weeks notice.  i spent two months there and then came to aspen for two months.  now it's time to go back to mexico.  it's this crazy adventure that i try to not get overwhelmed by or scared of, i'm just holding on, hoping to not miss a moment.  i've met some wonderful people along the way and, as with any major life transition, i've learned a lot about myself.  but i'm finally ready -- ready to stop feeling like my life is in constant transition mode, ready to buy some hangers and put pictures on the wall, ready to be home.

i'm not ready to say goodbye to aspen, but i am ready to take my little dobby down to mexico and begin to make a life that feels settled.

i hope you will all continue to join me, even if we have to say goodbye.

growing up

i’ve been thinking a lot lately.  a lot about what i want when i grow up and why i want it, and exactly how i will get it.  

my answer:  many diligent hours in the practice room and at the reed table.

another question:  is being a fantastic bassoonist the only thing i want in life when i’m grown up? 

my answer:  probably not.

when i was younger i never really thought about what my life might be like when i was older, or what types of people i would hold close, and in what direction i hoped my life would grow.  these are thoughts that now rule my days, sometimes over-taking my brain in such an annoying fashion.  sometimes, they even make me forget that all i have control over is who i am and what i am doing RIGHT NOW. 

right now:

i’m in aspen, being inspired and motivated every single day to become a better musician.

i’m sitting on the front porch watching a lightening storm that is moving up the valley, so towards us.  it’s hidden by clouds so all I can see is occasional bursts of lightening.  very mysterious. 

i’m missing my dobby (as if that’s a big surprise).

it’s my sister’s 30^th birthday!!  welcome to your 30’s, shannon!!

i woke up at 5:15am to hike electric pass, 13,635ft!!  it was amazing.  and totally worth waking up so early!!

i’m working on my resume, which is due in two days for an audition i’d love to take.

i’m seriously contemplating drinking beer. 

i had about a 2 hour long text conversation with a very close friend today while i contemplated taking a nap.  (this conversation is perhaps what sparked this blogpost) the nap never happened, but it sure was nice to “talk” to my friend.  technology is weird.

i think the whole street is currently looking for a bear that we’ve been randomly spotting the past few weeks.  rumor has it she has 3 cubs!!

i am ever so grateful for so many things that are hard to put into words. 

my right now is pretty fantastic.  i mean, i know that waking up at 6:30am to make it to the practice room by 7:30am doesn’t exactly sound glamorous, or what someone might be excited to spend their days doing.  but it’s days like these – the ones where i’m running full speed ahead, working and fighting for the dreams i have held close for so long - that i feel most alive. 

so i’m going to continue to do what i’m doing and being who i am, boring as that may be, until i’m the grown up that i’ve always dreamed of being.  life always has a funny way of working out, and in the most unexpected of ways.

so, brain, SHUT THE HELL UP, and stop trying to make me think i need grow up faster!!  let’s enjoy right now, it’s moving awfully fast and i want to hold on to these days for as long as i possibly can!  

time

i've been meaning to send out an update for quite some time now - although honestly, it's probably not as long as i think considering i feel like i've been gone from mexico for an enormous amount of time.  it's only been two weeks.  crazy.

yesterday was my first day off since i got here (except for July 4th, but i'm not counting that since it was a holiday!!) and all i had today was a lesson followed by going to hear the festival orchestra play mahler 1 - which i might add was momentarily interrupted by a fire alarm and evacuation of the music tent.  luckily there was no fire (perhaps a stagehand burned his toast??) and the concert resumed for all to enjoy!

this week for me includes dress rehearsals and performances of magic flute, which i'm rather excited about - i've never played a mozart opera before!!  and next week i'm playing principal on scheherazade!!  i've never played it before and to say that i'm excited is an extreme understatement!!  it's going to be tons of fun!  and also keep me very busy.

which is why i decided to write now - as i sit on my porch, listening to the rain, drinking beer, and watching the sunset.

admittedly, my last few weeks in culiacan i was a bit concerned about my decision to go to aspen, because it meant ZERO downtime.  i was worried that i would get here and crave time off and want nothing more than a chunk of time that i could forget about the bassoon.  lucky for me, just the opposite happened.  i've been extremely motivated to play and quite eager to soak up all the music i can!!  it's actually made me think about if i had not decided to come - i know that right now i'd be feeling guilty for not having touched the bassoon once since leaving mexico and having very little motivation to do so.  i sure am glad i decided to come, i cannot think of a better way to spend my summer!!

last year i came here during, what i think, was probably the highest point in my playing.  my life, however, felt like (translation: WAS) one big hot mess.  it's funny to think/realize how much things can change in a year.  right now i feel like my life is in a pretty good place but my bassoon playing is leaving A LOT to be desired.  i'm hoping that i can sort all my bassoon dilemmas out and leave here feeling like i can conquer the world.  (who doesn't want to conquer the world with a bassoon??)

that being said, i'm never going to get any better if i sit on the porch drinking beer all night, so i'm going to head inside to practice!

wishing you all a happy week!!!

the final push

i'm down to my last three days here in culiacan.  all that's left is a tchaikovsky 6 dress rehearsal and two concerts.  then i get on a plane and go to denver.  then i get in a car and go to aspen.

i'm a bit stressed.

i'm have a VERY hard time this week.  this is the most i've worked myself up over a performance since  i played mahler 7 in civic.  and this is AFTER playing all the other tchaikovsky symphonies the past two months; i feel like this should be a piece of cake.  instead i'm slightly freaking out.  i'm having a very hard time finding the center of my bassoon sound -- that sweet spot that resonates perfectly and makes me feel like i have absolute control over everything.  i've maintained a very good handle on it here in mexico until now.  NOW, when i need it most!!!  

needless to say, i feel like a hot mess.

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i really don't know what flight i am on from mexico city to denver, all i know about it is that it leaves at 2pm.  ok, helpful.  sort of.  ok not really.

i have things i need to pack.  or leave behind.  and decide which.

i have a box full of reeds that worked great last week and now all sound like poo.

my i.t. band has been flaring up for a week now.  the last time i had these issues i ended up in physical therapy for 2 months.  i'd rather that not happen.

there's an audition in early august -- do i take it and risk the reed situation coming from aspen?

when will i come back to culiacan?  how many pesos will i need to drive from the border?  is there a fee for my car?  will they give me a hard time with dobby?  in what part of my car is safest to hide my cocaine?  (ok, fine, that's a joke)

how will i be paid over the summer when i don't have a bank account?

i have two concerts of tchaikovsky 6 to play.  such a monumental bassoon piece!!

i've sweat more in the past two days than i think ever in my life.

i get to denver, see dobby for MAYBE a total of 10 hours (including sleeping time) and then have to leave him again.

i have a slew of errands i'd like to run while in denver, instead they'll have to be done...on the way to aspen???

will i miss mexico?

will i be excited to come back?

i'll miss all my new friends.

i miss all my old friends.

i'm not happy with my playing.  not happy.

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no wonder i can't find my center, it seems to be spread pretty thin right now.

ugh.  i need a delicious glass of wine.

and probably a valium.





 

StoryPeople

it's hard to believe it's june 8.  i leave here in 15 days, 15!!!!!  i don't think i had 15 days notice to move here.  hahaha.  crazy.

one of the greatest things about being here is the schedule.  rehearsals monday - thursday, with performances on thursday and friday.  it's a real schedule(!!!) with performances every week.  i know that that might not seem like a big deal to some of you, but for this gal, that for the past 5 years has been living at the mercy of (and doing her best to survive) the hectic-ness of school, work, gigs, bassoon, etc., it's pretty fantastic.  and really, there's nothing like a live music performance, let alone being able to be part of one twice a week.

on the walk home from our concert tonight one of my roommates and i somehow found ourselves in a conversation about, well -- i guess at it's most basic level -- life.  i have a very hated question that gets asked a little too many times and really bothers me.  it's the "where do you see yourself in 5-10 years" question.  i'm not sure if this question has always bothered me, or if it started bothering me when i realized 10 years ago i had much more of an "adult" life than i do now.  ya know, the whole "decent salary and benefits" adult life.

10 years ago i never thought that in 5-10 years i wouldn't remember the last time i went to a doctor, let alone the dentist.  i never considered the amount of student loan debt i might incur, or the horrible decision to buy a townhouse in tallahassee, nor did i know the horrifying feeling of living paycheck to paycheck and it still not being enough to pay your bills.  10 years ago i had NO idea how hard being an "adult" was.  sometimes i miss that 10 years ago me, but mostly i'm horribly embarrassed for her.

10 years ago i also never would've said that i ever saw myself playing principal bassoon in an orchestra in mexico.  or that i would one day move to chicago because i got into chicago civic.  i surely never ever even dreamed that i would EVER have an opportunity to play with the chicago symphony.  and who knew that i'd find the absolute best dog in the whole wide world, and that he'd teach me so much more about myself than any person i've ever met.

all those things have happened, regardless of where i "saw" myself being in 5-10 years.

life happened, and i went with it.  i have zero regrets.  

i want to live my life so that 5-10 years from today, or tomorrow, or next year, i can say and know that i really lived.  that everyday i've woken up and met life head-on.  faced fears, worked hard, sought passion, had meaningful relationships, laughed, loved, cried -- the whole shebang!!  i might not be exactly where i thought life might take me, but where ever i am, i hope i can say that i feel alive.  and that there's no place else i'd rather be than exactly where i am.

i've long been a fan of the artist brian andreas, altho i do think he considers himself mostly a writer - i think that still qualifies him as an artist.  his StoryPeople have a way of explaining life in the simplest and most endearing ways.  you can (and should) check them out here:

http://www.storypeople.com/storypeople/Home.do?inMenu=true

truth be told, i want to own them all.  instead i give them as gifts to people nearest and dearest to my heart.  for my older sister's 30th birthday i got her "Mirror Image," it reads:  my sister read somewhere once that if you look into your own eyes long enough in a mirror you change into the devil and it took her almost 30 years but she finally did it.  
hahaha.  it pretty much summed up our entire relationship.  :)


at the moment, this particular one, "Falling Into Place" is constantly on my mind:

it reads: deciding everything is falling into place perfectly as long as you don't get too picky about what you mean by place.  or perfectly.  

i am playing principal bassoon, in an orchestra, in mexico.  i've been offered, and accepted, a year contract.  

life, you are crazy. 

L.A.Z.Y.

this was most definitely the laziest weekend i have had in, well, quite possibly since i got out of the air force...so, umm...5 years?!?!?!

i feel terrible.  and guilty.  and like i wasted so much time.

i did get a decent amount of bassooning done today, but still.  i feel like i could have and should have done so much more.

for the first time in 5 years all i have to worry about and focus on is bassoon.  no part-time job, no school, no freelance gigs to drive way too far for.  just playing bassoon in the same orchestra;  daily rehearsals and weekly concerts.  it's pretty awesome.

this past week was entirely exhausting.  our program was all tchaikovsky -- romeo and juliet, violin concerto, and fifth symphony.  what a blow.  what fantastic repertoire.  what a thrilling experience.  at the end of both concerts i am fairly certain there was not one more note i could've played on bassoon.  i was that tired.

so maybe i needed this weekend of lazy?

i'm fairly certain i didn't need as much lazy as i took.

here's to a productive week ahead!!!

the sickies

so...it seems our house is at risk at being overtaken by the plague.  3 of the 5 of us have had some form of not fun illness over the past 3 days.  lucky for me, it seems i had the least severe of all symptoms.  one of my roommates ended up in the hospital -- the hospital!!!  how scary.

yesterday i came home from rehearsal completely exhausted and decided to take a nap to ward off getting the illness that kept my roommate up the previous night and landed her in the hospital.  of course when i woke up from said nap, i was cold (cold is not a word i have used since getting to mexico, i mean, i'm not sure that cold exists here!!), i had body aches, an awful headache, and my belly was not happy at all.  so i put on my fleece pants and a fleece sweater (not sure why i brought those, but sure am glad that i did!) took some pepto, started guzzling gatorade, got under my comforter, and went back to sleep.  i would wake up sweating, but i surely wasn't hot.  luckily, besides a not happy belly, getting that fever to break was the worst part.  today i'm still sorting out the belly issues, but i have these things to help:

hopefully this all clears up fast.

for me, being sick is one of the most dreaded things in the entire world.  i just cannot handle how uncomfortable, painful, and vulnerable i become.  i remember as a little kid not wanting to tell my parents that i didn't feel well, because if i admitted it out loud it would be true, and then i'd have to take medicine and be forced to deal with everything that comes with being ill.  not much has changed.  i still cannot stand taking medicine, altho i now realize it's there to help you feel better so i grin and bear it.  my big thing is making sure i stay hydrated, our bodies work much better for us when they are hydrated properly.

and besides, dehydration is an irrational fear that i carry, along with running out of gas.

i pride myself with being a stubborn and independent person (not sure those things are pride-worthy qualities to most people) and when i am sick i turn into a blubbering fool that just wants her mommy.  no joke, the last time i was super duper sick was 4 or 5 years ago, when i was in my late twenties - i was in new york for a cousin's wedding, my boyfriend at the time was there with me, i made him CALL MY MOM to tell her i was sick.  i was for real 26 or 27.   big baby.  i then cried to pretty much everyone, including my cousin who's wedding day it was.  big baby.  when i am sick i am a person i don't know - weak, vulnerable, and crying for her mommy.  mom's always know how to make sickies feel better.  they make chicken and stars soup (without the chicken, please) and the famous soft boiled eggs!!  and feel your forehead to tell you if they think you will start feeling better soon or if you need another dose of medicine.  they always know how to make you feel better.  it must be in the mom manual.

i cannot imagine living this far away from anyone that i am close to and getting stupid sick. especially ending up in the hospital.  what a champ my roomie is!  i have never had to go to the hospital before, let alone go to one in a foreign country and have no idea what people are saying to you.  i would have cried the ENTIRE time i was there (she was there for 8hrs, they would've given me extra saline drips because of the amount of liquid i was losing from tears).  and i would've insisted that chad come with me, then i'd be this crazy 30-something with a raggedy and dirty teddy bear that wouldn't stop crying for her mommy.  hahahaha, kinda humorous to think about.

good thing i don't think i'll be ending up in the hospital anytime soon.

here's hoping all your tummy's feel better than mine!!!

stop. be here now. be in this moment.

whelp, i've been here for a month already.  an entire month!!  i think time moves faster in mexico, because it does NOT feel like i've been here that long.  i've gone through times in life where it feels like time is just standing still, where the weeks take forever to get through and time just drags on and on, and all you want is for it to move a little faster.  there's also been the opposite, where i felt like time was moving so fast and there was nothing i could do to slow it down.  i'm hoping at the end of next month, being here feels like somewhere in the middle - a steady flow of time that leaves me feeling neither rushed or dragged.  so far it's been a whirlwind of a time and i'm looking forward to what the next 6 weeks contains!!

one of the things i've always struggled with is being present in the moment;  making sure that i am living in the present moment and not getting too preoccupied with what i want to have or where i want to be, but accepting what i have and dreaming big and working hard towards where i want to be.  for me it seems i am constantly looking forward to the next thing.  after high school - college, after college - air force, after air force - grad school, after grad school - finding a job.  for the past five years i have been single-mindedly focused on where i will be next, and most of the time i know i was forgetting to live in the present moment and appreciate where i was and what i was doing to obtain my big dreams.  there were definitely times when i would sit back and think "i'm not sure life is better than this, remember how this feels!"  i wish i could bottle those feelings up and put them on display in my house, because it was in those moments that i was actually "here now" and living in the present moment and unconcerned with what might happen next and just enjoying the life i had.  if i had them on display i might remember to find these moments more often.

so i'm working hard here, not just as a musician, but as a person trying to be better.  and trying to live each and every moment of this wild adventure that is life.

when i was in college i used to wake up way early every morning to go for a run before beginning my day.  it was such a wonderful time of day for me.  i would meet a very good friend of mine (who now has three children under the age of 3, two of those are twins!!  she's pretty much super woman) we would run and chat and enjoy the day before the rest of the world was awake.  i often tell people that those early morning hours are my favorite time of day, altho i'm way too lazy now to see them.  but there's something so special about being awake and outdoors at a time when most of the world around you is still asleep.  it's an absolute beauty that can't be described.  the days here get hot really fast, so i've started waking up early(ish) to run.  a couple days ago i woke up and wanted to stay in bed, then i looked out my window and saw this:

let's take a closer look at the sun:

the sun was still behind a thick veil of clouds, and looked so beautiful.  i wanted to tell everyone i know to hurry outside and see the sun before it rose above the hazy clouds and began it's daily duty of cooking the people of culiacan, but i knew at 6:30am no one would appreciate my exuberance, so instead i put on my running clothes, laced up my shoes, and headed out the door to experience a part of the day that was just for me. 

and the entire time all i could think was "stop.  be here now.  be in this moment."

i was going to write a new post tonight, but then i saw that this one was never posted.  so here you all go!!  (don't worry, i'll write a new one soon)


this past week has been c.r.a.z.y. i for real could not keep track of the actual day of the week.  we had two overnight trips and one day off, friday, which for some reason i kept thinking was thursday.  i was wrong.  who needs to keep track of days of the week anyway?  luckily i had the companionship of some absolutely wonderful opera arias to keep me sane :-)

on wednesday we headed down to mazatlan, that gorgeous city with the beach and mountains in the water.  it was here that i took this picture

for mother's day this year my siblings decided to do a photo collage of each of us spelling out "i <3 mommy."  it was our way of saying that eventho we're all very far apart and rarely make it home, no matter where we are, we love our mom.  here's how the whole thing turned out

pretty awesome, i think.  it really makes my heart happy.  i'm sure it made my mom cry.  and dobby even made it into the picture!  he sure does love his grandmommy!!

i tend to forget about holidays like this until pretty much the last second.  and then i feel terrible because i end up sending nothing and try my absolute hardest to squeeze in a short phone call and mumble something about how i meant to get a card but ran out of time or just never put it in the mailbox, blahblahblah.  i'm full of excuses.  basically i'm just the worst person in the world.  ok, so it's possible that i'm exaggerating.  i'm the second worst person in the world.

this week was a bit different, for some reason i thought about mother's day a lot.  i think mostly because i was scared i was going to forget to take my picture and ruin our entire gift idea, and after i took the picture i was so excited about what this collage was going to look like.  my mom receiving this gift was apparently exciting for me.

note:  this is where it seems i just stopped writing.  i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that the mexinet was probably being super sucky so i just gave up.  i promise something else soon!!!  

hanging on

i was told by a friend today that my readers are anxiously awaiting a new blog post.  i'm sure it's the absolute truth, so i better get writing.

honestly, it's been a rough week and i didn't want to write because i wasn't sure what i'd say or how it would come out or how it might make me feel.  thankfully, the week is over.  and i survived.  and there was even little bits of magic that found their way into my week.

i never thought in 6574986756 million years that i would be so under amused with playing mozart 40 and tchaik 4, and on the same concert none the less!!  i also never thought i'd play in a professional orchestra where the conductor stopped the orchestra twice in one performance.  and really, it's not even worth going into the details of any of it.  it's over.

life is still very typical (bassooning and reeding all day, every day) except now i have time for luxurious naps.  practically every single day.  who's life is this?  oh yes, mine.

i'm becoming rather fond of the air mattress i've been sleeping on, i don't think i ever realized how comfortable the nice ones are!  i do miss my fancy practice chair and reed table, but i'm doing just fine with what i have.  our internet connection absolutely blows.  sometimes it will stay on for a long while and other times we have to reset it every 10-15 minutes.  most of the time i use it as a sign that it's time to do something productive instead of reading facebook for the upteenth time, but sometimes it gets sooo frustrating.  i mean really, why does the internet connection go out that much?  it's crazy.  

and i, of course, miss the dobby dog.  i have had some prime cuddle moments that i wished we could share.  instead i was left to cuddle with chad, which is great and all, but dobby is a much better cuddler (don't tell chad i said that!!!).

i know, this is super boring...so i'll leave you with what i have found to be one of my most favorites things about culiacan.  being a pedestrian here is an endless adventure.  most streets do not have official crosswalks and it's just kind of a "go when you can and won't die" type of thing.  however, in centro (the downtown area) they do have crosswalks with the little light signs (for the life of me i cannot actually remember what these crosswalk signs are called, cross signals?? oh well...).  i love them.  here's a few youtube videos of them, make sure you keep an eye on the sign!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PH6Hat6ZQ0c

and...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0RYegbWWQM&feature=related

i don't think the last one is here in culiacan, but it gives an awesome view of the sign.  i love how the guy is actually walking, and when time starts running out he starts moving faster and faster.  they make me smile.  one day i'll take a video of one myself.  you all will be the first to know!!

buenas noches!!

get in shape girl

i am not sure it is a big secret for those that know me well that 1- i really enjoy running and tend to do lots of it, and 2- that i have severely let myself go since january.  it was a very busy bassoon winter, and running seemed to have been pushed almost entirely out of the picture.  and all my clothes shrunk.  don't you hate it when that happens???  damn clothes.

it's exciting to now only have bassoon to worry about and not bassoon, part-time job, and school, AND i have no excuses to not run.  that is except for the heat.

OH.MY.GAWD.

my first week here i saw a total of zero people running here in culiacan.  zero.  i was of course only out during the hours of 10am-4pm, i suppose.  and i should probably add that i wasn't running either.  then when i moved into my house and have this:

as the view from my bedroom window.  that's our backyard, and in the background is a running track, that has trees and stuff!!  and to the right of it is a botanic gardens!  it really is such a beautiful area.  

my first run was at 7pm the day i moved in.  there were lots of people out, and the numbers dwindled as dusk rolled in, and i finished just in time for darkness.  all i could think was, ohgod it's hot.  so the next morning i went for a run at 7am.  not as hot, but super duper sunny.  but, the morning weather is still much better for running than the night.  and there's tons of people out in the morning!  most are dressed like it's 50 degrees outside, or colder - in long sleeve shirts with their hands covered, and sweat pants.  and i'm dying in my running shorts, and tank top.  i mean, it is ONLY 80 degrees out with full on sun at that hour.  i must be nuts to be in shorts!!!  

i must be nuts to be out running.

my goal this week was to run 5 miles one day.  i made it to 4 on a "cloudy" morning.  perhaps 5 will come tomorrow?  it's just so.stupid.hot.  and all i want is water.  i need one of those hand held running water bottles.  or a portable air conditioner.  holy hot.  

i figure at least i'm out there, doing something i enjoy and feeling better about myself once it's all over with.  we'll see how i feel about this in a few weeks, apparently the heat hasn't hit bad yet.  

oh no.

night lights

i have been thinking that this blog is probably going to be quite boring, because, well i'm just not that exciting...even in mexico.  i still do the same old things day in and day out, i'm just living in another country and don't really understand the language.  when i told a friend this today she told me she was interested and wanted to read all about it.  and so now i write another post.

the thing i want to talk about the most right now is that i have been alone in my house ALL day.  no joke, after our morning rehearsal ended my roommates went to a friend's house to watch a futbol game, drink beer, and eat pizza.  i declined my invitation because yesterday i did something that made me feel terribly irresponsible and i had to make up for it today.  see, it's only been about 100 degrees out lately and all that sun and heat seems to do is force me to take an afternoon nap.  i do not think i am kidding when i say that i have taken a nap every single day since i got here.  i haven't been able to help it!!  and yesterday i felt like my nap cut into precious practice and reedmaking time.  so today, instead of getting to know people better, i went home and spent some quality time with my reeds and bassoon.  i am super cool.  (it is also important to note that i TURNED DOWN an opportunity to drink...who am i?!?!?!?!)

today was the first day i've profiled cane since i got here and apparently suitcase travel makes profilers get a little out of whack.  so what i intended to take 30min-1hr actually ended up taking 2hrs because i had to adjust my profiler.  and i'm not sure if i'm happy with it.  i guess i'll find out once this batch of reeds is made.  having to deal with a frustrating game of set-up made me feel like i had a very long afternoon of reeds and i was SOOOO wanting to take un poco el gato siesta (a little cat nap - altho i'm sure you'd say it another way).  instead i made some tea and played around on facebook for a while.  then i forced myself upstairs for some bassooning.

NERD ALERT!!!!!!
i am always amazed at how comforting the milde scale studies make me feel.  (can you feel comforting???  hmmm, you all get to see my terrible grammar, eh???)  i'm not sure what it is about them, maybe that i've been playing them for over half my life (ohmygawd) and they just feel like home.  or maybe it's something about the continuous fluidity of the technical and musical lines, or rather the striving for continuous fluidity.  i admit, it's a bit weird, but they made me happy that i chose bassoon over siesta today!

sometime in the middle of that practice session a friend texted me asking if i wanted him to come pick me up to hang out with everyone.  i once again denied an opportunity to drink!!  (for real, who am i?!?!?!) i would later regret this because as it became dark i suddenly began to feel like drinking and not getting anything done on bassoon was a much better option than being alone, in the dark, in the house.

it was after this practice session when i came downstairs and was fumbling for every.single. light switch along the way.  i had also kept our back sliding doors open in an effort to cool the place down.  so now i was walking downstairs, into darkness, and an open back wall of the house.  (we have a cement fence that's like 10ft tall or something around the backyard, someone would have to really WANT to get in) i was a bit freaked out.  i might also add that i have yet to encounter anything unsettling here...except for a dark empty house.  i was really wishing my guard dog, dobby, was here to protect me!!  or that i had said yes to either of the drinking opportunities offered today!!  i ended up leaving every light in the house on and locking myself in my room for the rest of my practicing tonight. it was ridiculous.  for real.  i mean, what did i think was going to happen?  it's funny really.

my roommates are now home and i survived.  i guess i might be afraid of the dark.  or drug lords coming to my house for no reason (i do believe these said drug lords don't just go looking for scared girls in their empty houses, that you might actually have to be involved with the drug scene for them to make house calls, and my locked bedroom door would have TOTALLY blocked their crazy automatic rifles) and honestly i wasn't actually afraid of a drug lord, it's just something amusing to say.  i was more afraid of a big, dark, and empty house.  a house that has yet to feel like my home.  i have only been here three days.  and the entire time i've been here i've known (even in the dark) that there are three other people in the house with me.  i've always been a person that likes to be on my own, not having to bother with other people or worry about disturbing them or have them disturb me.  with the exception of one year, i've lived alone for eight years now.  and today, for the first time that i can recall, i was anxious to be alone.  and i was relieved when my drunk roommates got home.  maybe this is all part of me making mexico my home...learning my comforts and anxieties and allowing myself to act as i feel.  because you can never be home if you are always trying to be somewhere else.

next time, i'm going to go drinking.

and i think i'm going to set up strategic night lights.

i've always been a fan of night lights.    

music, beach, and mountains(ish)

today was mostly an entire day of luxurious and lazy rest, for which i feel semi-guilty.  but it's been a crazy week, and one hell of a past 3 weeks.  so i keep telling myself it's ok.  however, when i look at my schedule for the next 9 weeks i feel like i shouldn't have lost a precious day of bassooning and reeding.

thursday night was my first concert with the orchestra, and yesterday we traveled to Mazatlan, a resort city on the beach about 3hrs south of us, for a concert.  the orchestra was in 3 different hotels, and apparently mine was the oldest and most not nice.  ummmm, hmmmm...this was the view from my hotel room:

that is a mountain island in the middle of the ocean...obviously it sucked.  as did this:

life is real tough here in mexico.

and my attempt at a panoramic, had the ocean stood still for one measly second it would have been a very well matched photo!!

i had a very nice time there, i'm getting to know people better, and trying to find where i fit in.  luckily i have my bassoon (something that's been by my side for a very long time now) otherwise i'd probably be helplessly lost.  

today we came home and...i moved into my mexican home!!  i decided to live with three other people in the orchestra.  when i started looking around at apartments i realized that it would not be so easy or affordable to get a furnished place, and whatever i got on my own i would need to purchase things like a fridge, a washer, a bed, dishes, and all the other basics for living on your own.  i quickly began to see the advantages of living with other people.  luckily, three horn players had an extra room in their house.  and this house is AMAZING.  here is my bedroom at the moment:

i'm borrowing an air mattress from a wonderful couple in the orchestra.  from my understanding, most people that move here borrow this mattress for a bit, it gets around!  to me it feels like something of a rite of passage :-) the only thing i would really really really like right now is a reed table.  the floor just won't do.  unfortunately for my roommates, i might just have to settle for the dining room table.  

after i moved in i walked to the grocery store so that i could finally feel like i was someone that had a home and could make a home cooked meal.  i'm a little tired of eating out for every.single.meal.  my most exciting purchase??  CHOCOLATE SOY MILK!!  yes, they have it here!!  woohoo!!  i was a little sad to not find fresh mushrooms or spinach, so i ended up buying some frozen ones.  while at the grocery store i completely didn't take into consideration the fact that i'd have to walk BACK to my house with everything i bought.  i am not kidding when i say that i'm not sure i could've made it one more block with all my groceries.  

and that is really all that is going on.  i'm way tired and looking forward to a productive bassoon day tomorrow, i surely need it!!  i am still missing my dobby dog like crazy.  it's really hard not having him around, and especially now that i'm out of a hotel and "settling" into a big huge house with a great back yard, and it's one block away from botanic gardens - a perfect place to go for walks.  i miss his cuddles and kisses, his energetic never-ending love, and his big stubborn personality.  maybe i should've titled this blog "my adventures in missing my dobby dog." i'm sure this won't be the last time you get to hear about it.  before i work myself into a blubbering mess, i should move on...

next week we have kiddie concerts, for which i have music to learn, and the week after is mozart 40 and tchaik 4.  eeeekkkkk, i'm gonna have to be a responsible bassoon hermit for the foreseeable future. good thing i'm good at that and enjoy it!!  

well...guten abend meine fruenden, or ummmm, buenas noches, mi amigos!!  time to rest up for a wonderful sunday!!  love to you all!!

                                                          

house hunters, international

i know that you've all been dying to hear a detailed account of my travels to mexico ;-) i am happy to report it was rather uneventful.

the most exciting part was an interesting bag search in mexico city when i was going through security for my connecting flight to culiacan.  they, of course, had no idea what a bassoon was, or fagot, so this guy in line in front of me said a lot of words in spanish, then turned to me and said "i told them it was a musical instrument" whew, clear of that!  i also had a sharpening stone in my carry-on, the security senora looked at it, took it out of it's box and examined it, she asked me what it was and i thought "oh no, how do i explain this" i could just see how this played out "well, it's a sharpening stone, for knives, i don't have any in my carry-on, but i need that stone to sharpen the knives i do have in the luggage that just made it through customs" instead of saying all that i just told her it was for my musical instrument, she gave the security senor a quizzical look and then put it in my bag and let me on my merry way.

my connection was delayed quite a bit and i ended up landing in culiacan around midnight.  i was exhausted, and hoping to god that getting to my hotel would be as uneventful as the rest of my travels.  luckily (and those of you that know anything about my travel history know that i have a certain knack for having the WORST luck) a man was standing outside the baggage claim with a beautiful printed sign with my name on it.  it looked official, so i went with him.

when i got to the hotel i was handed a key and told some very quick spanish numbers and realized the man had just told me my room number and i had no idea what he said.  i looked at the key, hoping to see the numbers printed somewhere on the key.  nope.  so i say "what was the room number" poor senor, he gave me a stupid american look and then walked me to my room.  i tried to say gracias, but what came out was danke.  crazytown.

and that is my travel story.  so easy.  so uneventful.  so thankful.

and mexico, so far - ya know...the past 48 hours, has been much like my life in chicago.  i hit snooze too many times, get out of bed, go to rehearsal, walk around the city trying to avoid talking to people, go home, practice, go to bed.  exciting stuff people.  aren't you glad you're reading my blog??

today i went house hunting with the 3rd/contra bassoonist here.  he's been so helpful to me!  well, pretty much everyone in the orchestra has been great.  it was a very interesting and nice mix of places that i saw.  of course i wanted to know if these places could have dogs and i'm fairly certain the answer was no, but no one really cares if you do.  so i'm of course looking at places with dobby in mind!  i saw a super cute and cozy (ok, small) place that i rather liked a lot.  most places had two bedrooms, but this one was only one, with a small little living area (which would of course be my bassoon playing/reedmaking area) a nice kitchen, and a patio that was possibly larger than the entire apartment.  it was super cute.  tomorrow i'm seeing a few more and will make a decision.  i really should be on house hunters, international!!

besides all that, life is fairly normal.  rehearsals en espanol are totally weird and every time i order something to eat i say "no carne" like 3 times.  servers hate me.  i miss my dobby dog like crazycrazyCRAZY, but i know he is being well loved and taken care of probably better than i could right now.  and i'm ever so grateful for the internet and how advanced technology is!  i am still able to text friends with iMessaging, so it really makes me feel like i'm still not that far away.

once i'm more settled in, i'm gonna figure out how to spice this blog up - or at least the graphics on it, because let's be real, i'm pretty boring!!

buenos noches, mi amigos!!

not a moment too soon

whelp, it appears that the time for me to leave for mexico is tomorrow, and oh.my.gawd. i think i am quite relieved that 24 hours from now i will be absolutely done with the entire moving process.  what a crazy time it has been preparing for this move.  somehow i finished and got my little dobby dog to denver.  whew!!

the past few weeks have been such a whirlwind, which is a pretty great blessing.  it gave me little time to think about how much i might miss everything in my life right now and zero time to freak myself out over the fact that i'm moving to mexico.  i'm sure if i wasn't so terribly exhausted right now i'd find some reflection on all of it, but all i want to do is cuddle up with my dobby since we won't have our sweet cuddle time over the next couple of months, so i think it's bedtime.

my bags are packed (they each weigh in right at 50 lbs) and all that's left is to get on the plane and go.

my wild adventure begins.